I’m your black cloud
I’m your silver lining
im full of wonder
and im full of doubt
i can’t ask you to love me
i love you because i am willing to fight for you.
but i would fight for you.
i would fight my depression and my insecurities and
i would fight your depression and your insecurities
i have never been so willing to fight for someone or something.
i hope you take that as a compliment because somehow when i feel depressed about life and myself and i feel a sense of doom and doubt i can still feel hopeful about you.
not about like if things are going to work out or whether or not you are going to love me everytime i show up at your door, but i always have hope in the huge joy i get just being in your presence.
you make me happy, but i don’t owe my happiness to you.
i choose to be happy with you because i don’t feel any doubts in loving a man who i think is capable of loving me and a man whom i think is absolutely brilliant.
you are magic in my life.
and its in everything you do. how you eat and sleep and talk to your friends and watch porn and talk about your day and talk to your mom and rationalize your life and make fun of me and try to make me jealous and when you take your time with me and ask me to kiss you just by bowing your head and taking care of me.
i am so sorry for breaking up with you i pray that you don’t hurt from that.
i did not understand that love meant fighting for it, but i do now and i am willing.
in my life I’m trying to communicate more and give up my existential bullshit and live for the daily grind and stop asking things from people and stop being negative.
and thats the person i want to be which is remarkably similar to the person i want to be with you.
I’m sorry I’m young and an asshole and full of insecurities and doubt
because i love you i hope you will have faith in me and be kind to me and forgive me
i want to do exactly that for you
i am resigning my existential ideas of being in order to make life easier. i am going to stop asking things from people. i will try to communicate more. i will separate myself from rationalization. i will experience. i will choose the daily grind. i will work hard and invest in myself. i will expect nothing. i will have no attachments. i will have no impossibilities. i will only have actions and very few words. i will not share my fears or my secrets. i will try to not be shocked by the disasters and mistakes and pain and unkind words and feelings and change. i will celebrate. i will open up. i will sing LIFE IS HARD.
alienation has begun to feel great. I’m so upset with how unsuccessful i am with words and relationshipss. love, from friend, lover, family, has all been jaded. I’m possessed by my expectations and ruined by my inability to communicate and lack of proof of worthiness of anything close to the grandiose ideas of love that i swear I’m capable of.
i keep on asking people around me jokingly if “it” is going to get easier.
everyone seems to say from experience that is does not.
i am trying to enjoy my endeavors. the journey of life and whatnot. but i find a lot of alienation in that. having that disposition is apparently not very agreeable with most everyone.
you don’t get grades on genuine interest and curiosity.
you don’t get paid for learning from mistakes.
you don’t gain trust for expressing doubt.
i am ruthlessly protecting myself. i can’t believe I’m living this way.
i am completely exhausting from giving. customers are unsatisfied and even worse… i am viewed as a selfish, self-absorbed, overly dramatic, incapable, undeserving, crazy person.
im not my boyfriend’s type.
I’m my parents least-favorite kid.
im a shitty friend.
and I’m becoming obsessed with myself because I’m the only person who can potentially not refuse myself love. i can always forgive myself and love myself.
i feel very human.
i want to write a story about a god who comes to earth and unrequited love and somehow make all of the characters gender neutral and impossibly difficult times and impossibly perfect times. i want to write about somehow who is eccentric and is hated but remains completely unaffected and is the happiest person in the world. i want to write about the happiest person in the world. i want to write about a place that is very real and harsh but frequently turns into a perfect place ever so often. the whole scene just changes from a nice city with danger and it turns into heaven. i want to write about someone who dies very often but keeps coming back. i want to write about reincarnation and people who find other people unlike them and ask people to runaway. i want to write about being saved. and the difference in being saved and surviving. i want to write about very obviously dangerous situations. ..so dangerous they are comical and surviving
how do i stand up from where I’m sitting.
i feel uninspired to go to school and get a degree and a real job and marriage.
in fact, i have never felt inspired and I’m beginning to desperately need a way to not enter that life.
that life makes me shrink.
i don’t think i am well-liked because I’m not really perceivable…especially to myself.
I’m constantly switching and pulling and pushing.
i only feel happy and alive when i have the time to dedicate to the magic of my life and as much magic and bullshit as possible. seriously i need spells and prayers and wisdom from many different books and to constantly draw and create and believe and to have time and energy for each person that is the only way I’m happy and that doesn’t fucking work around here.
i am young, but i am still restless and dying.
being young is no reason to smile.
do you think i would be so happy just by walking around and existing? existence among people includes an awful lot of disappoint, mainly because i and everyone else seems we just can’t stop asking things of each other. ask nothing of me and i will love you forever. be a stranger to me forever and i will love you.
i am just bones layered with too much, what right do i have?
i want to be taken care of like a child by a pathetically kind man and i want to love him like i can.
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